SCREWED

Screwed

The question of “whom am I going to serve in 2016?”  was a good one posed by group I recently became involved with. It immediately became a problem question because Bob Dylan kept reminding me all day, all night,  in my dreams / day dreams for days now that

You're gonna have to serve somebody!   Of course he’s right, again.

One of the great joys of living long enough is to fail miserably and gain a level of compassion not afforded those who never risk enough to fall flat on their faces. Falling on your butt doesn’t count. I’m talking about decades of over working, sacrificing and clawing all the way to the top and standing there with all the riches and glory only to publicly fall flat in front of God and everybody.  I am grateful for the scars.

From these humiliations and scars emerged a new ministry. 

It’s not much of a ministry, but it seems one I’m called into service to carry out. It has three (3) parts.  The first part of my ministry is giving away all the intellectual property I fought in courts so hard for decades to keep. Patent Attorneys, Copyright investigators,  blah-blah-blah. Take it, it’s yours. My gift to you from God. He gave it to me, I give it to you. Don’t want the gift ?  Steal it – go ahead, you’ll do it anyway, you have my permission.

See, those are just designs – Designs are NOT me, they are just of me.

ME is going to cost you. Cost you BIG!

The second part of my ministry is to inspire others.

I have a quote on my keyboard from my beautiful wife that says:

”As I inspire others in abundance, success and love, I do the same”.  

I make it a point to do this daily. Sometimes it’s received well other times folks wonder what my angle is? (Perhaps my reputation precedes me?)

The third part of my ministry is screwed. Literally.

I cannot walk along a street – anywhere- anytime and not pick up a nail, screw or other tire puncturing object without removing it from the area at once. This is a new thing. I can assure you I could not have given a single hoot about you, your wife, daughter or mother getting a flat tire when I was standing on the mountain in all my glory surveying the masses. No way!…… “Call AAA!! Give me a break.”

It was only through falling flat on my face that I got the perspective required to “see” that I was here to serve YOU…..and You……and you…….............I’m screwed.

Miss Me

Miss Me

“Missed me, missed me ,now ya gotta  kiss me”……

I think this is how the chant goes from my 2^nd grade school yard days, though I’ve not thought of it til today.

During much of my professional life I was a commuter. Traveling daily, weekly and for longer periods chasing the lightning bugs of fame and fortune. Upon my return I’d offer “prizes” to the family in the forms of trinkets from foreign lands and tales of the big ol’ world. I was missed, I got kissed.......for a while.

In business I could give a hoot. I was a driven jerk. I did my job-you do yours and let’s move on to the next, then the next and the next…..

My Dad too was a commuter. I learned from him, added my own spin to individuate and then taught those around me “how to be” with a phantom. Truth is, I did not have to be sitting on a plane to be a commuter, it was my constant state of being. 

Here-There-Nowhere, right next to you.

God is masterful in his ways. One day the geographic commuting ceased and that family evaporated.  I happened to then be in a beautiful part of the world with a woman I loved beyond measure. She came to me with an openness and love that can only be described as divine.  She also brought with her the love of her children and later their children into the melting pot of “our village”. Despite all of this bliss, I was still a commuter at heart despite all my efforts to change.

The problem with being a dry-docked commuter is that new folks arriving into your sphere have not had the training to “know how to be” with a phantom. And worse yet, they have no desire to be taught. Ugh.  Years of solitude within a non-commuter family have taught me the real meaning of unconditional love. Our “Village” has allowed for my OH SO SLOW transformation away from a lone wolf into a member of the clan, with compassion.

Yes, today I would be missed, but more importantly this question has brought forth to me all the things I want to say and do with my love that has remained stashed away for over half a century.  Oh, Lord, please. Don't let me take any of it with me - help me to distribute it in buckets to my love Edy................the kids...........the babies. 

"Kiss Me , Kiss Me – You’ll never have to miss me”

    

It Sucks - To Be Free

It Sucks – To Be Free

One of the constants in my life is the amount of energy that goes in to managing stuff that sucks.

In the old days I’d skirt around it and offset it with things that didn’t suck but the constant awareness of having to go back to it at some point took a lot of energy.

Be it clients, contractors, permitting authorities , vendors _____________ (fill in the blank) sometimes stuff just sucked big time and I’d eventually have to look at it and “deal with it” by either the head on assault – flanking maneuver – or in rare cases retreat.

Sailing, Travel, Fine Dining, Music and Art soften suck-i-ness slightly but the knowledge of a fraction of  residual suck-i-ness tainted even these pleasures.

Positive thinking didn’t seem to help in the long run. Spiritual principals help a bit but not fully and communication with other humans offered varied opinions and views on things that sucked even worse – or not that bad depending on the person offering the input. Rationalization and Resignation seem to be the key weapons used to combat suck-i-ness. Regardless of all the “mind games” the suck-i stuff remained. Until yesterday.

Edy and I were driving and had had a long conversation about respective areas that sucked. We were stuck in 50 miles of holiday gridlock and had just left an warm visit with people we love dearly and were heading back into “life as we know it” – Dark clouds of suck-dom descended and in a very short time we were deep in the storm. The usual weaponry was useless and after a few hours Edy simply said “can we agree that this sucks” , we’re on a sinking ship in the Antarctic , in the water ,  freezing, no land insight, waves battering us and drowning …….It took me a very long time to realize what she was saying.

”Yes” I  finally said, “This sucks big-time and worse than that, I have no clue what to do now”.

 It was then I felt us both being lifted into the rescue chopper.

My Better Half

My Better Half

Edy and I enjoyed a nice post lunar eclipse afternoon at the beach yesterday.

We like to get away there at least once a month. We’ve discovered a quiet little place that is clean and has fewer people on it than most other accessible locations. I long for a boat again to find a beach “just for us” as I don’t like sharing much of anything with anyone, except her. My Better Half.

We marvel at how much time in a day we can spend together yet still have the feeling that we did not get a chance to say all we wanted to say, do what we wanted to do or be together to the depths we had hoped. Joined Together at the Hip, Three Legged Race, My Rib, Best Friends, Soul-mates, all “kinda” describe our relationship. But it is deeper and broader than that. It has layers, spirals and shadow places that continue to be discovered on a daily basis.

We can be goofy one minute and then a switch flicks and we head full bore into some deep hard places. Edy is very open to this emotional spelunking, I have resisted it pretty fiercely until recently. I’m not sure what has allowed me to finally “go for it” with regards to the exploration into the depths but I feel it has a lot to do with trust and wanting to know that I’ve given my all to her regardless of the fear this vulnerability instills. I also know in my core that THIS is the man I have always wanted to be and anything that is “locked up” or in the “vault” impedes my fullness.  Each heart opening on my part also adds a bit more to the “us” and we’re at a point now that I can see and feel how risking it all actually is the best form of absolute security there is, for both of us.  

Of course none of this would ever be possible without Edy’s patience, love, devotion, insights, gifts  and her direct connection to the Creator of the Universe. I am so blessed.  

EML, My Better Half

Re-Mission from GOD

Re-Mission from God

Edy signed us up for a “Writership” program last month.

I was initially excited about delving into my writing a bit deeper, but was quickly reminded why I’ve not posted here for some time now. This blog began as an exercise to keep my creative juices flowing and also allow me to use my photographs to “instill beauty” on a regular basis as my “day job” was in remission.

Thankfully Edy mandated I write daily and add photos at will.

This formula worked pretty well for a while. I noticed that I seemed to always have a list of topics;  yet other topics started poking their heads up and started poking louder and harder to the point where I just stopped writing altogether to make them “shut up”. It seems I had hit a wall.

I’m not entirely sure what this wall is all about. Part of it has to do with completing the few dozen actual short stories I have outlined. Another part has to do with topics that feel too fragile and raw to actually put to paper. Fortunately the muses seem to keep me inspired on all fronts regardless of my feelings that there is no audience for anything that comes forth. We’ll see.

Writership is going to take commitment of time and energy which is fine. I’ve spent decades “on a mission” on the development-design-build front and feel ok with making the time to do this too. I have had to come to terms with my 7^th grade English and no longer have “staff” to cover mistakes that neither Grammar Check nor Spell Check can hide.  (although they help tremendously)

I’ve been able to go through a couple dozen outlines of short stories and have selected eight to concentrate on more deeply. I hope to finish at least one by the end of this year and get it published somewhere. I have no idea where that could possibly be. (not Facebook)

So, stay tuned.  If you start to notice proper comma usage, you’ll know.

I’m on a Re-mission!

Mental Barnacles

Old Beliefs are Slowing me Down - Time to scrape my brain for 2014

Now is the winter of our discontent……2013

Frozen Whispers Series                               "Boilin' Cold"                                                                  c-2011

Now is the winter of our discontent……

Winter Solstice 2013.

Only one short year ago to the day the Myan’s were having a good laugh up in Myan heaven over “expert opinion” regarding the end of the world as we know it. If memory serves me correctly the prior near doom scenario we barely escaped was “y2k” and the associated horrors predicted by other “experts” ……which then makes me wonder, “are the experts STILL experts after all of these whoops?”. I imagine in expert world they still rein high and receive “expert compassion” from their peers. “Well Nigel, I can now see how the conflation of that glyph could lead to just such a deduction, in-fact didn’t the same thing happen to ….what was that old chaps name from Oxford…..”?..........”Anyhow ol’ boy it could have happened to any of us” (We’re jolly well glad it did NOT, and have all agreed so in private) “Carry on, stiff upper lip and all..”

Edy and I were recalling some celebrations and rituals we’ve experienced together including but not limited to our meeting in France, our Wedding and Honeymoon on the 3^rd Mesa with the Hopis as well as other rituals that occurred during our time together.  Over the past several nights dreams  I’ve been recalling my “calling” to design and construct the Medicine Wheel at our home in Taos.

Much like the trip to France where I met Edy, it was an immediate YES, with another immediate sense of urgency to “make it happen”. Same was true with our Honeymoon trip into Hopi Lands. I had been studying all the tribes of the region, but the Hopi intrigued me the most. I met a woman who had understanding of their culture and insights that compelled her to gift me with sacred corn and eagle feathers (NSA-you did NOT read that)  It was an urgent “calling” that was driven from within and despite bringing all of my large and medium format cameras, I never shot a frame of film. It was truly a “trip”.   Several times Edy and I looked at each other and gave the ?????.......then shrugged our shoulders and carried on…….doing what we were “told”.

Many a warm evening and even more freezing cold nights I would stand on our Medicine Wheel and Cry out to the heavens in joy/gratitude for our wonderful life. Then there were many nights that those cries were full of tears of pain/suffering for current situations I could not for the life of me understand. All I knew was that I had to keep walking…………….

There have been many times lately when I am again confronted with situations that baffle me. My first line of defense is to get in my head and analyze the heck out it in an attempt to find just the right slot for it to fit so things will “feel better”. What I’m finding is that more and more I just don’t have a clue about much anymore. There are things that are just SO outside of my understanding that I need to quit “leaning” and surrender.

Along the same lines as France, Hopi, Medicine Wheel etc.. was a quick conversation with Edy almost a year ago about the Bible. I have always felt myself Bible Literate, but at 55 years old had never read it cover to cover. So, last year I read it, again and again and am doing it again. There is some good stuff in there!  The good news about this reading is that with each re-reading of  “In the Beginning..” I feel myself more and more a beginner.

As Christmas approaches I offer this GIFT of comfort to let you know that all is well, despite how it might feel some days. Yep, We’re all right on schedule and it’s (still) not ours…………..or the “experts” for that matter.

Blessings to all for a Very Merry Christmas and a Joyous New Year.